When you were around, I pretended that I didn't see you, didn't care about you and didn't even talk to you.

But when you were not around, I kept looking for you, kept thinking of you and wondered where you'd have gone and wished you could be by my side.

Can someone tell me why am I behaving like this? I'm so confused.

The world is still a beautiful place! =)

My Confession

When I'm down or emo, I usually would browse through my FB friends' list to see who's online so that I could find someone to chat with. Whenever this person is online, he would always be the 1st person in my mind to approach. I don't know why but he has the power/ability which I feel that when I talk to him, I would feel better.

He is a mature person, I would say. With wide vision. And some wisdom. He can observe people and know that person's thoughts or personality well. And perhaps he is the first person who can uncover my weaknesses which I've been trying to hide from everyone all this while.

And to avoid misunderstanding by my friend (he'd thought I like him -_-'''), I would state the initial of this person whom I mentioned above. He's TCT. To a certain extend, I admire his ability to connect with many people. He has wide networking. At the same time, I admire his brain. If I had the chance, I would want to operate his brain to see how it functions. LOL...

Enough of introduction of him. Let's get back to the main point. Yup. He sees through my weakness. I wouldn't hide it any more. I admit that I look tough on the outside but I'm fragile on the inside. I'm weak. Very weak. Even weaker than some young kids I guess.

When I was young, I shed tears easily. I dislike myself for being so weak. Even until now, I do shed tears easily but only for extreme sadness or disappointment. Crying can be relieving. He sees that I always trying to be tough/super woman and yet deep down inside me, I need someone to rely on. He knows I need. He thinks I need. The fact is, I really need.

I lost to him this time. He can see behind my mask, the fragile heart I'm trying to cover. It has been broken once. Although it is fully healed now, it is no longer perfect. It is not the original heart that it used to be any more. This is the thing that I'm always protecting.

But it seems that I couldn't protect it well. It has some cracks now. And I'm doing my best to mend it. To fix it. To paste it. To glue it. Whatever you can think of. I'm now at the lowest level of a ferris wheel.

But it will turn up soon and reach the highest level. I will recover very fast. Sometimes I'm just being emotional. But when rationality returns home, I will be fine. Rationality sometimes needs to go out and have a walk. But it will always come back home.

Friends, don't worry. I'm fine.

不知不觉，我已经爱上你了。

但，友情与爱情，我选择友情。

我不会避开你。

我不会难过，也不会伤心。

只是偶尔心会通。

但是我会勇敢的面对你。坚强的走下去。

因为我不想失去你。

如果可以选择，我宁愿选择不认识爱。

Changes In Me

I realized that I have 2 main weaknesses and my friends did pinpoint me as well. First, easily beaten by the feeling of "giving up" half way through the projects. Second, stubborn/hard-hearted.

These 2 bad habits I should say, is something that I MUST CHANGE! When I'm stress or ill, I tend to give up easily on the projects which I hold posts. But every time when I said I wanted to quit, it ended up that I didn't. Instead, I continued and performed my best for the project. Reason --> My friends' encouragement. Although I didn't quit, but having the feeling of giving up and saying it out to the committee is a wrongful act to me. I actually feel very guilty for behaving this way.

The way I talk is also a problematic attitude of mine. I usually talk in a 'hard/harsh' way. Sometimes, I would indirectly hurt people's feeling without realizing it. My friends have advised me to talk gently before. Even if I disagree with something/someone, I must say it in a polite manner.

I know I need to change these 2 bad habits. And I'm learning to change now. It's not easy to change a habit which has been with me for so long. But I know I can do it. And I MUST DO IT!

For the better me!

P/S: To my friends and family, sorry if I've been harsh on you and disappoint you throughout all these years. And thanks for being patient with me and stay with me for so long.

This is how I'm feeling now...

Have you ever come across this situation?

Have you ever felt this way?

What does it mean by this?

Is this love?

I look at many people and always smile for no reason. Haha!!!

Specially written for you...

I've made a very important decision yesterday morning. Without thinking much, I agreed to help my friend in his project. Although I have not much obligation in the coming semester besides studies and grab the chances to perform on stage, still I would need to manage my time as the credit hours I'm going to take will increase.

I don't know what makes me agreed to help him without even considering it. Maybe as a friend, I really don't wish to see him suffer. As a friend, I wish I could help him carry part of his burden. Maybe I just love the family that was created through this project.

Whatever reason it is, I never regret making this choice. He's very, very grateful and thankful to me. For the first time, I saw him so polite saying "Thank You" to me. I was a bit surprised actually. Later, he sent me a message to express his gratitude again. Haha...

The truth is, I should thank him. Thank him for trusting me. Thank him for coming into my life and made me feel that university life ain't that bad after all. I don't know since when and how we became close friend. But he's indeed a worthy friend to have.

P/S: If you're reading this post, you know who you are. ^^

Just to share something that's in my mind...

Can I "survive" living with my coursemates for the last 2 years of my degree education? I have never liked to stay with coursemates because I don't want to have any conflict between us. For the first 2 years in UM, I've been staying with my current roommates, who are from different faculty and course.

It's better this way in a sense that there'll be less conflict when it comes to work/studies matter. I know my personality traits as well as my coursemates. That's why staying together is risky. I believe friends can only be good friends when they have one thing in common (doing only one same thing at a time). But when we have to work together for many things be it projects, activities, assignments, and so on, more or less there would be some disagreements. I dislike this kind of feeling when it happens.

I really hope I can adapt myself well in the new environment.

A Good Companion

I realized what I really need is companion. Not love. All this while I thought I need a partner. But actually not. Friends and family are good companions. Why people in this world need to have partners? Why people need to get married? Different people have different reasons.

As for me, a good companion is important. They can be comprised of friends, family or partner. At this stage, friends and family are the best companions. Just a simple outing, watching movie, or having a drink is good enough.

Last Saturday I went back home. I met up with one of my secondary school friends and we went out for movie and then a drink in a cafe. The feeling was great! ^^ Although we have not met for quite a long time, we still have lots of things to talk about and share. At first I was quite worried that there might be a moment of silence between us. Luckily, it didn't happen.

It was nice to hang out with her. Hope I will more chances to hang out with her later on in life. =)

Hold On

When you feel like the whole world is going upside down...

When you feel like letting go...

When you feel like giving up...

When you feel like there's no hope...

When you don't feel like living anymore...

Listen to this song!