It has been more than a year...

...since I last updated my blog. Oh my! That just showed how long I have not spent quality time with myself.

It's time to rethink my journey...

The Last Week

For the first time, I feel sad to leave UM. This week is the last week of my final semester. Time really passes very fast. By the time I get to breathe properly, it’s already week 14. Couldn’t really grasp what I’ve been through this semester. Attended Japanese class this semester. The nicest class of all. The class that I will miss the most too! Had a very nice Japanese teacher. Sweet and lovely. This time is for real that I’m going to leave schooling life forever. I usually felt sad when I was going to leave my schools – primary (MGS 2), secondary (MGSS), pre-university (MHS) and now UM. I really enjoyed my studies life a lot. Nevertheless, we have to move on.

Last Friday, I was in the hospital for almost 12 hours. My aunt a.k.a mom was admitted for minor stroke. I brought her to see the doctor at Mahkota Hospital. Doctor advised her to be admitted for proper monitoring and check ups. However, a deposit fee of RM5000 is required! Gosh, it was late night around 11pm. Where could we get so much cash in hand at that moment? This hospital is really focusing on making profit rather than saving patients. So we shifted to general hospital. It is a widely known facts to Malaysians that the government hospital is super slow. We went there at 12am but my aunt only got to be admitted at 4am. And there weren’t many people at that time. Why did we need to wait for 4 hours?? Couldn’t really sleep that night. Reached home around 5.30am. Slept at 7am to do homework. Woke up at 10.30am. Started to look for information and contacts of acupuncture doctor. It was said to help stroke patients to recover. Aunt was well monitored by the doctors in general hospital. At 2pm, doctor said she could be discharged. So we went there to get the procedures done. And again, I waited from 2pm to 7pm just for my aunt to discharged. Why the heck do we need to wait  for 5 hours just to be discharged???! And that also we did not get the report. It was only after 9pm that we could get the report of my aunt’s condition. I understand that there are many patients in GH but the slowness wasn’t caused by the number of patients. It was caused  by the inefficient system that the government hospital is running on. Saddened by this condition, I promised myself that I’m going to earn lots of money and never again let my family members to go to GH.

已经是 Final Year 的我

我知道已经过了满就。但我还是要写。我对摇篮手的感想。我对演绎会的感想。看了表演真的是很感动。为什么会感动呢？应为它让我会想起我曾经走过的路。酸甜苦辣。有开心也有辛苦的时候。但是这一切都是值得的。今年没在台上的我，真的觉得很不舍得。不舍得放下摇篮手也不舍得放下表演的机会。看了他们的表演之后，我真的发现到我很爱表演。我很爱音乐。我爱唱歌。我爱跳舞。可能我喜欢听到掌声的声音。当别人为我的付出所给的一种肯定。

Valentine’s Day?

Is it so important? I admit it’s a special and memorable day and it should be made special by both parties. But…

is it worth the effort when one party is unhappy? Uncomfortable? Uneasy? Inconvenient? Worried for the other partner?

The most important thing of all is the existence of love. The essence of loving your partner and not just a celebration of another special day.

P/S: Even if you dislike my opinion, you shouldn’t have talked to me that way. Disappointed.

I expected more from you but I think you don’t realize it. I guess I shouldn’t have expected anything from you. There are many quotes saying that we should give more and expect less. But I guess it’s in our human nature that we are usually expecting more.

I know you will be reading this. I wanted to tell you all these face to face but I don’t know how and where to start. I know I said communication is important and that’s why I’m writing this message for you to understand me more.

Sometimes simple words of caring is just not enough to show how much you really care. That’s how I feel.

Christ

Somehow I could feel His presence. I was first exposed to Him through my best friend, Tse Hwei. I'm being touched by Him. Whenever someone tries to share Christianity with me, I'm always willing to listen and somehow every time when people talk about God, I could feel Him and every time after sharing about it, there is a sense of joy and relief in me. I don't know why I feel this way but I just feel this way. I wouldn't call myself a Christian yet because I don't think I'm fit to be called one. I don't go to church and I don't pray to God. But somehow I believe in Him.

Journey Vs Destination

Say is easy, do is hard.

I thought I can make it, but I'm struggling.

Everyone can get through a tough journey but the question is how do they feel along the way?

Happy? Sad? Disappointed? Excited?

The destination is important but the journey itself is more important.

How much time do you spend along the way just for you to reach your end goal?

We spend most of our time in life just to walk or run towards our goals. So think again. Is the journey more important than the destination or the destination more important than the journey?

I prefer to have an enjoyable journey while walking towards my desired destination because I think that's what makes our life worth living for. So if I'm struggling now, does it mean that I need to change my path or change my perception?

I lost to myself again!

And this time, my emotion beats my rationality. Sometimes, I really don’t mind working till late hours because through this way, I can control myself not to think too much. The only way to cure myself is to make myself busy, busy and super busy even to the extend of not having enough sleep. But how long can I continue to live this way?

Confidence

When I was young, I have a low self-esteem over my own look. I seriously thought I was ugly. But as I grow up, I slowly build my confidence through achieving the goals that I’ve set for myself. I started to change the way I dress. I started to like myself more and appreciate what I have and how I look. Sometimes I do care on how others think of me and some of the confidence was build upon compliments by others. Confidence is the most important element that can either build or destroy someone. Now, I personally feel that someone can be so charming just by being confident with themselves. Ever since I came back to my home town and enjoy my life here, I really feel that I look good. I guess atmosphere is also important in influencing people’s mood. One of the things that has made me so much happier is that my close friend told me, “我发现到妳变美了。。。”I was really very happy to hear this not because of the sentence itself, but the sincerity that comes with it. My face is still the same, I didn’t do any cosmetic surgery and the question is why he thinks that I have become prettier? The answer to this is confidence. Thanks to him, he actually boosted up my confidence even more. Lol…

Crazy Week!

Hardly had enough sleep for the past 5 days. Not because of work but my schedule was full of outings with friends. Most of them going back to their universities and I just want to spent more time together with them before they leave. I’m already missing them now… >_<

 

I’m so used to busy life of having fun with friends that I can’t really spend any minute doing nothing or just staying at home. It makes me feel unproductive and a waste of time though I can still do many beneficial things to fill up my time at home.

 

With this kind of attitude, I’m very sure that office work will not suit me. I rather spend time working on jobs that I like even to the extend that I might not have enough rest. At least, I feel it’s worthy. My seniors always asked me will I join auditing line after I graduate and my answer will always be NO! I’m very sure of myself, my attitude and what I like and dislike. As for now, I still have 1 year to go to search for my desired job and I will always remember the goal that I’ve set for myself!

 

Gambate, Seok Ling!

空虚

怎么了？不应该有这样的感受。为何它又来了？我到底缺少了什么？钱？时间？爱？朋友？我真的不知道。已经习惯忙碌的生活。突然一静下来了，就觉得不自在。爱跑的我，也突然觉得不想往外跑了。连身边的几个好友都不是很想见。除了家人，真的没什么人会关心我了。连好朋友都没有。朋友可以再找。可是家人只有那么一个。是没有别人可以取代的。

I don’t need a partner…

What I need is someone who can give me a pat on my head and tell me, “Don’t worry my dear, everything will be alright.”

自卑

I am. You may see me as someone who is full of confidence with high self-esteem but it is only part of me to protect myself and hide my fragile heart which can be easily broken. I care about my appearance a lot. I admit it. It took me years to build up my confidence and everytime I look into the mirror, I need to tell myself, “You look good.” But the fact is, I know I don’t. I don’t even think I belong to the average look category. I might fall below that. Everytime when I tell myself that I look good, that’s a lie. I know most of you would say outer look is not important and the most important thing is inner beauty. Bullshit! You can only feel the inner beauty when you get to know someone well enough. But for 1st impression, looks does matter. When people see you for the 1st time, marks is already given upon the face. This is reality. Sometimes I really feel I’m ugly. This factor pulls me down a lot and I’m only using other factors to pull me up.

 

When only can I stop lying to myself and have the courage to face the truth?

Conflicting

I always told myself not to be too serious in anything especially when it comes to love. I’m not saying that we should not be committed to a relationship, but we should have a limit of seriousness to it. Sometimes taking it too seriously would only hurt yourself more. I admit I’m a playful person but I’m very loyal. But as I grow older and meet more different kinds of people, my mindset started to change. Now, I don’t mind to get involved in a relationship even though I know the ending might not be a happy ending. Sounds silly right? Being a playful girl, I really don’t mind to try anything while I’m still young. I wouldn’t want to regret later on in life for not giving something a try.

 

But at the same time I realize…

 

“曾淑铃，妳玩不起”

Sensei

Looks like I’ve abandoned this blog for quite some time. Well, I just didn’t have much inspiration on what to write. When I read one of my friends’ post, I started asking myself, “Am I the kind of person who can’t do anything at all during exam besides studying?” I wouldn’t want to be that kind of person.

Anyway, I’m not going to write anything about motivation, exams, studies, bla…bla…bla… Today, I just want to focus on a very special person which I never thought that I would post it up but somehow I feel that I need to write it down because I want this memory to remain in my mind forever.

If you somehow know a little bit of Japanese language, I think you can guess who is this special person that I’m referring to. He’s none other than my beloved lecturer.

If you know me and him as well, I’m sure you’d know why he is special to me. There is no other lecturer like him who has impressed and inspired me so much before! I like him! In fact, I think I love him! =p

I’m fascinated by the way he carries himself, his politeness, his well-mannered attitude and his SMILE! I’m mesmerized by his knowledge, skills and talents! I’ve never admired anyone so much like him before.

Sometimes I really wonder, have I really fallen in love with him?

 

I think most of you would be stunned just like the girl above. Haha… Don’t get me wrong. I’m not that kind of person who is specifically fond of elderly man. But he is really special. He’s not just an elderly man. He is the MAN! As in the best person who can be a role model to anyone.

I don’t really care about the age so much when it comes to love. And so far, no man like him has ever captured my attention so much before.

Happy Birthday To Me

I know my birthday has passed long ago. The reason of writing this post is not to show out anything special about my birthday.

I feel that as I’m getting older, celebration is getting lesser. This year only my family and my best friend, Tse Hwei made the effort in celebrating for me. I’m very grateful because no matter how busy they are, they actually find time for me even just a simple dinner and movie. ^^

 

It’s time for self-reflection.

Just Do It!

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not advertising for Nike. Don’t you think this phrase is powerful? In a sense that if you dare to follow.

I came across this song and a phrase quoted by my friend in FB.

“Dream what you want to dream;
go where you want to go;
be what you want to be;
because you have only one life
and one chance to do all the things
you want to do.”
Quoted from Dr. Choong Kwai Fatt

Most people tend to choose the path that is made ready for them. We would go for the safer side, a path which we thought would give us a better future. Most people sacrifice their dreams just to take this path, thinking that their dreams are vague, hard to chase, grey future, not a smooth path, or even unobtainable.

But most people don’t realize their true potential. Because they just don’t believe in themselves. Restricting and limiting yourself is like putting a big rock in front of you that stop you from going further. Then, you turn to an alternative road which you may not really like. Confidence is an important element in supporting your belief towards your ability.

Since I was young, I was being brought up in the way that a typical family would do. Go to school, get good result, obtain scholarship, receive a degree certificate, find a good job, earn money and build a family. It seems almost like a routine for me. And I believe I’m not the only one who is being brought up this way.

It’s not a bad thing to have guidelines in our lives so that we know the direction of the place that we are heading to. But those are just guidelines. Not the perfect answer to your life’s journey.

There are also numerous successful people out there. These are the people who dare to take the risk. Who dare to do something different. Who dare to follow their dreams. Who dare to say, “Just do it!”

I want to be one of them.

Don’t Judge A Book By Its Cover

Don’t judge a person by his/her look.

A person who is happy-go-lucky type might not be as happy as you thought.

A person who looks serious all the time might not be a fierce person.

A person who smiles all day might not be that friendly as you thought.

There are many things that you can’t see from appearance. Human beings are complex. Even theories can’t explain everything regarding humans. Before you judge anyone, take time to know and understand that person first.

Home Alone

So now I realized I really can't stand loneliness. My coursemates have finished their exams. I'm left with one more paper on this Thursday. My housemates are on holidays and left this house in the evening.

My housemates, Helen and Serene will finish their studies at the end of this month. They are now on study break before their finals. I guess today was the last time I met them. I hate this kind of feeling. It makes me feel like crying. The last time I have had this feeling was one year ago. When I have to say goodbyes to my ex-roommates, See Eng & Mun Chieng.

Sometimes it's just hard to leave although you know you have to. Saying goodbye is just not the word for me. But in life, we are actually living alone. Family and friends won't always be there. They come and then they go. Some might come and stay beside you for a while, and then they leave. Some might just walked passed you, not staying long. Some who are loyal, might stay beside you longer but one day, they will leave too.

Everything is just a matter of time. The family and friends you have around you are BONUS. This bonus is not eternal. So when you get it, appreciate it. When you don't get it, strive to achieve it. I'm not only saying physically their presence in your life. But include the relationship and bonding you have with them.

Well, I guess I just need to stand the moment of loneliness for a while. Then I will be back home soon to meet my family! ^^