Lately, I have been sleeping very "early"... How early?
Around 4am to 5am...
Haiz... it's not that I don't want to sleep, but I just can't sleep.
Even if I lie down on bed, my mind is still conscious.
Turn there and here... can't sleep.
Today... nono... is yesterday... my room was filled with silence.
Why?
One of my room mates...
After taking her exam at 3pm, disappeared and didn't come back to room...
We couldn't stand waiting, we sms her...
No reply... we called...
Didn't pick up...
We sms again...
Finally, she replied...
We "forced" her to take dinner with us...
We met her during dinner, had some conversations, roughly knew what happens... but still can't predict what's on her mind...
After dinner, she still didn't want to come back to room... and off she went to bilik bacaan...
I never see her behave like this before... but she's the type who doesn't want to share out her problems and no one can really know what she's thinking...
It was 10pm, she still hasn't back...
Worries, worries, worries...
I sms her...
The only thing she said was, "i'm fine, don worry about me."
That's the normal phrase that people would say when they have problems and yet they don't want to let others know. Susah...
But even if they don't say, we can observe...
12am... she's finally back!
Silent... no one utters a word...
I didn't know what to say to her...
I hate this kind of atmosphere!! We were like living in our own world...
It's so sad...
A young man learns what's most important in life from the guy next door.
It had been some time since Jack had seen the old man. College, girls, career, and life itself got in the way. In fact, Jack moved clear across the country in pursuit of his dreams. There, in the rush of his busy life, Jack had little time to think about the past and often no time to spend with his wife and son. He was working on his future, and nothing could stop him. Over the phone, his mother told him, ''Mr. Belser died last night. The funeral is Wednesday.'' Memories flashed through his mind like an old newsreel as he sat quietly remembering his childhood days. ''Jack, did you hear me?''
''Oh, sorry, Mom. Yes, I heard you. It's been so long since I thought of him. I'm sorry, but I honestly thought he died years ago,'' Jack said. ''Well, he didn't forget you. Every time I saw him he'd ask how you were doing. He'd reminisce about the many days you spent over 'his side of the fence' as he put it,'' Mom told him. ''I loved that old house he lived in,'' Jack said.
''You know, Jack, after your father died, Mr. Belser stepped in to make sure you had a man's influence in your life,'' she said. ''He's the one who taught me carpentry,'' he said. ''I wouldn't be in this business if it weren't for him. He spent a lot of time teaching me things he thought were important. Mom, I'll be there for the funeral,'' Jack said.
As busy as he was, he kept his word. Jack caught the next flight to his hometown. Mr. Belser's funeral was small and uneventful. He had no children of his own, and most of his relatives had passed away.
The night before he had to return home, Jack and his Mom stopped by to see the old house next door one more time. Standing in the doorway, Jack paused for a moment. It was like crossing over into another dimension, a leap through space and time. The house was exactly as he remembered. Every step held memories. Every picture, every piece of furniture.... Jack stopped suddenly.
''What's wrong, Jack?'' his Mom asked.
''The box is gone,'' he said.
''What box?'' Mom asked.
''There was a small gold box that he kept locked on top of his desk. I must have asked him a thousand times what was inside. All he'd ever tell me was 'the thing I value most','' Jack said.
It was gone. Everything about the house was exactly how Jack remembered it, except for the box. He figured someone from the Belser family had taken it.
''Now I'll never know what was so valuable to him,'' Jack said. ''I better get some sleep. I have an early flight home, Mom.''
It had been about two weeks since Mr. Belser died. Returning home from work one day Jack discovered a note in his mailbox. 'Signature required on a package. No one at home. Please stop by the main post office within the next three days,' the note read.
Early the next day Jack retrieved the package. The small box was old and looked like it had been mailed a hundred years ago. The handwriting was difficult to read, but the return address caught his attention. 'Mr. Harold Belser' it read. Jack took the box out to his car and ripped open the package. There inside was the gold box and an envelope.
Jack's hands shook as he read the note inside. 'Upon my death, please forward this box and its contents to Jack Bennett. It's the thing I valued most in my life.' A small key was taped to the letter. His heart racing, as tears filling his eyes, Jack carefully unlocked the box. There inside he found a beautiful gold pocket watch.
Running his fingers slowly over the finely etched casing, he unlatched the cover.
Inside he found these words engraved:
''Jack, Thanks for your time! - Harold Belser.''
''The thing he valued most was...my time!''
Jack held the watch for a few minutes, then called his office and cleared his appointments for the next two days.
''Why?'' Janet, his assistant asked.
''I need some time to spend with my son,'' he said.
''Oh, by the way, Janet, thanks for your time!''
A story tells that two friends were walking through the desert. During some point of the journey, they had an argument, and one friend slapped the other one in the face. The one who got slapped was hurt, but without saying anything, wrote in the SAND:
A story on love and marriage...
When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I've got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes. Suddenly I didn't know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce.
I raised the topic calmly. She didn't seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why? I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn't talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Dew. I didn't love her anymore. I just pitied her!
With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company. She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Dew so dearly.
Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now. The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn't have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Dew. When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again.
In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn't want anything from me, but needed a month's notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month's time and she didn't want to disrupt him with our broken marriage. This was agreeable to me.
But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day. She requested that everyday for the month's duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request. I told Dew about my wife's divorce conditions... She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully.
My wife and I hadn't had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mummy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don't tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset.
I put her down outside the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office. On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn't looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her.
For a minute I wondered what I had done to her. On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me. On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn't tell Dew about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger.
She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily. Suddenly it hit me... she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head.
Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it's time to carry mum out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hall way.
Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day. But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school.
I held her tightly and said, I hadn't noticed that our life lacked intimacy. I drove to office.... jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind... I walked upstairs. Dew opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Dew, I do not want the divorce anymore. She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. Do you have a fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Dew, I said, I won't divorce.
My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn't value the details of our lives, not because we didn't love each other any more. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart. Dew seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away.
At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I'll carry you out every morning until death do us apart. That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I run up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed - dead.
The small details of your lives are what really matter in a relationship. It is not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the bank, blah..blah..blah. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves. So find time to be your spouse's friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy. Do have a real happy marriage!
I chatted with my brother again yesterday. And I found out that actually he has another serious part of himself, which I don't realize all this while.
Kor: Just like I like to play game, but it does not mean my life is dead without game. Just like you also, you like to sing and perhaps dance. But it does not mean ur life will be nothing without them. It is up to us to define how we live our lives and how it mean to us. It not about materialistic thing that you can gain in the world.
Me: so ur 1st priority is?
Kor: more time for myself
Me: ur meaning of more time for urself is? more time for urself to do smtg that u like?
Kor: nope. more time for me to understand myself. all this while, I have been studying. Been going through life. But I dunno anything about it. Is that wat I really want? i dun think so. cause I feel heavy doing this kind of things.
Me: u r reaching the state of self realization...
Kor: u see life in a bigger picture lar. U see those millionaires. they earn so much. can afford big house, big cars. but then are they really happy? then u look around us lar. People like our cousin..... working so hard. earn so little. but he somehow..... see his life has more meaning than any others. he seems happier, more contented. what kind of logic is this? the more educated people, the richer people, are more not happy than an ordinary person who travels day and night, sweating more than anyone else. where is the logic? there is more to life than just securing a better future. it is one thing, but not the main thing.
Me: i know what u trying to mean. in the end, happiness and contentment is the important thing in life. but different people hv different way for them to search or gain their happiness. for u, u need more time to understand urself. i think u r wondering wat is the purpose for u living in this world.
Kor: something like that but not like that also
Me: so u r still in the state of doubtfulness. not really purpose but is more to "self-realization". i know wat u trying to say when u give that examples... actually happiness is defined differently by everyone so it all depends on how we look at it... os how each one wanted to live his/her life that satisfy them... not necessarily rich ppl = not happy, poorer ppl= happier. in the end it still depends on how they measure life.
Kor: dunno still in doubt cause I realize, we are born to this world to die.
Me: we r not born to die, but we born to live and fated to die
Kor: we are living in the time frame from when we are born to when we will die. so, wat is there in life that we are supposed to do if the final destination is still dead.
Me: that's y u r doubtful about living in this life. becoz u dunno why u need to live and die. u don hv a purpose for living. u don know y u r here in the 1st place. and this made u wanting to know more. but to just have more time for urself to understand urself is not enuf. coz in the end u would still don understand. u need to search. search for what, i cannot tell u.. coz it depends on urself. u need to seek for that "thing" that can make u realize what is life all about.
Kor: ya, and i realize good grade and good cert and good salaried job is not the thing. so, cancel those out, I have less to see.
Me: i know. sometimes searching for that "something" not necessarily means material thing. it can be intangible. it might be an aim, target or purpose... or watever it can be...
Kor: ya. so, searching...
Me: how long have u been searching or how long have u been thinking this way, since young?
Kor: since after form 5. After I get straight A's for SPM. then I look around me..... I realize..... my life is not happier than all the others who fail.....
Me: wow.... very long.... it has been 6 years... i think u r somehow lost. u need guidance. u try read stuff on buddhism and christianity. i think u can find smtg from both.
Kor: dun need
Me: u wud hv hard time searching. bcoz u dunno how and where to start. 6 years already. is not a short period.
Kor: lol. dun be so serious about it.....
Me: jz now u talked until very serious
Kor: I also dun really care one. well.... even if I wonder..... when I cannot get it, I won't really bother that long either. but then just that from times to times, I will still think about it.
Me: actually is good to think about it... coz with it, u wont be sticked to other "not so important" things in life which sometimes can make ppl go out of mind and even out of control... and lost humanity...
Kor: well.... ur brother is sane
Me: i know la... haha
Kor: the only weakness ur bro has is weak-willed and weak-hearted
Me: weak-willed and weak-hearted.... i think they are caused by the "care-less" attitude u hv
Kor: ya so, too bad
Somehow I feel my brother and I have some similarities in thoughts. And I've never thought that he (a not serious guy) would think this way. Understanding really needs communication.
My feeling is complicated.
I'm not sad. I'm not happy.
I'm not disappointed. I'm not glad.
I don't know how to describe this feeling. It's weird........................
I applied for a post as Production Head in Dayao. But this post somehow required talent in music. I know I'm not very talented compared to others or maybe no talent at all. So the probability of me getting this post is low. And I have expected the outcome.
Then, they asked if I would like to take over the job as President for this event. My gosh!!! I never even thought of it. I feel it's such a big event that I would not want to hold such a big responsibility.
So, I rejected. Then, they said want to put me as Protocol Head, (-_-)''' which is wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy OUT of my expectation. So, I declined again.
It's not that I'm choosy or fussy. I just have my own reasons and principles. For me, if I join any activities and hold any post, I must have passion for it and like it. Then only I'm willing to sacrifice fully for it. Just like what I did during secondary school and high school. The love, passion and the sense of belonging made me wanna sacrifice, contibute and be committed to it.
In this case, I like Dayao as it creates opportunity for music lovers and dancers to perform on stage and for others to enjoy the performance. Of course during the whole preparation for this event, it was very enjoyable.
I have passion for Dayao, but not the posts that were offered to me. I only wanted Production because I know I can learn a lot from here. So, if I don't get it, I would rather be a normal member and contribute to Dayao.
But by becoming normal member also means that I can't learn much as compared to if I hold something.
That's why my feeling is complicated.
But after talking with my brother, I feel much more relief. In fact, back to normal-happy mode. I just don't know why my brother always seem to have his way of talking that somehow made me feel comfortable. Or maybe I respect him a lot and this makes me feel that whatever he says is somehow right/true. Whatever it is, he is the only person that I feel really comfortable when talking to although sometimes he can be very "care-less". This is what he told me:
Pozan - In Singapore says (12:53 AM):
If I were you heck care
Pozan - In Singapore says (12:54 AM):
dun be anything
live an free an easy life
for wanting something that you cannot achieve in life it will make your heart miserable only
live with what you have and be contented with it
that's what people define as happiness and peace from within
The last phrase made me feel like my brother is a philosopher... Haha... But he is not la... He is someone who thinks deeply... very deeply... that makes him look mature than most of the older aged people. Giving good advice... about Life.
Yesterday I chatted with my brother in msn and suddenly something struck my mind when he shared his thoughts with me. Here's the conversation between us.
Me: ur project done d ar?
Kor: not yet. i think cannot finish on time liao. so, just go show wat i can. well..... it has always been this way
Me: huh? jz show wat u can? itulah... last min work
Kor: aiya....... in the end the only thing that suffer is my grade. after that, maybe difficulty in securing a job in the future.
Me: u know also
Kor: but apart from that..... all that i'm doing now.......... is USELESS. u think all that u are learning can be used in everyday life? all will go to NOTHING
Me: but the 2 things u mentioned jz now are the most fundamental thing for ur future
Kor: itulah
Me: of course i know what i learn is not necessarily applicable
Kor: my sistah still dun understand much about life
Me: but it is to secure for a good paying job. then share with me what u think
Kor: u r like everyone else. living for the future. there are 3 kinds of people in this world. the first who live in the past. Regretting all for his past that cannot be turn around again. the second is the normal type of ppl, the one who live for the future. Always think and plan ahead..... making the right decision to optimize and maximize their things. the last..... are those who live in the present.
Me: so i guess u r the type that live in the present
Kor: those who look around them..... Observing the change, the movement, the placement, and environment around them. ya. but it is not easy to do that..... for you may leave behind more regret in the end.....but I personally feel, I would just do what I want and what I feel like doing. think too much and plan too much..... not really my style lar...
Me: got it. that's the normal u... ok. i gtg sleep now. it's real "early". u betta go sleep. if not u wan to do anything u like also susah without enuf rest.
Kor: betul tu...
Me: bye....
Kor: okok...
My brother is not someone who is not capable to reach the top. It is the matter of whether he wants or not. He chose to live simple, in the present and not for the future. That's why he has a care free life. For most of us, I think we live for the future and I cannot deny that I, myself is also in this category. But at the same time, I enjoy my life as well. It all depends on how we carry ourselves. For those of you who are very stressed up with your lives, maybe you can get something out of this. ^^
Yesterday I didn't manage to post anything because I was rushing to finish my assignment.
Finally....Phew! I have done all my assignments! YEAH!!!!
But finals coming soon... haiz... need to prepare for it.
University life is really different.
Last time, whatever is taught for years, we "vomit" everything out just for that major examination.
But now, whatever is taught for months, we "vomit" something out just for the final examination.
Sometimes I would ask myself, why do I need to learn something that might not be useful for me later on in life?
I couldn't find the answer.
And this remains unsolved...
Yes, a moment ago I was very down.
But I recover very fast.
I believe that everything happens, happens for a reason.
I'll just take this as a lesson for me to learn.
Thanks to my room mates, they made me feel better. ^^
I'm disappointed.
I'm upset.
I'm feeling down.
I don't know what to say.
I have class later at 10am and now I'm still trying to finish up my assignments which are due on Wednesday. I should've started earlier but I just didn't have the discipline to do so. Aarrggghhhhhhhhhh...............!!!!
Mistake.
I'm chatting with my brother now and this is the 1st time I see him soooooooooooooooooooo UNSATISFIED!
Why? He said, "I dun like sympathy"
The story is he only answered 1 question out of 5 questions for his lab report but he scored 7/10. His friends answered all, the most they got is 9/10.
For most of the students, you might think that my brother might be happy getting that score despite only answered one. But you are wrong.
He felt "tak puas"!
He dislike the "markah kesian" that his lecturer gave him. He doesn't like being feel "kasihan".
This is the other part of my brother despite of his "care-less" attitude.
As his sister, I hope I can understand him better and through communication, this hope of mine is starting to realize... =)
Sometimes I wonder, why do I write blog? To earn money? To fill up my free time? To express out whatever that is kept within myself?
I seldom update my blog which makes me an inconsistent person. And because of this too, when I wanted to update, by that time many things have been accumulated which makes me feel hard... not knowing where to start from...
I have many things to say... uncountable...
Because my journey is unstoppable...
I want to change. I want to improve. I want to achieve. I always thought I am a busy person. Busy until no time to do all the things that I want to do. But it's not.
I thought I am busy and always have no time to do things that I like is because I have wasted all the time I have. I'm lousy in time management. What have I been doing with all the time I have?!
From this moment when I write this, I promise to myself that I will change. I must appreciate the time I have, doing beneficial stuff.
I want to see a different me.
A better me.
Continuous learning, continuous changing...
This is my life's journey...
